What Happened to the Player

Click to hear “DearShibare”

When I was in second grade I had a crush on John Mertz. I don't remember much about my childhood, but I remember John Mertz. Awe...John Mertz.  He was so dreamy. But oh did he hate me! Ewww! A girl wanting to kiss a boy? Disgusting! All his little boy friends sang him that lovely song. To be fair I did not want to kiss him. Gross! 

On Valentine's Day, I gave him a very special card. I had his cousin deliver it to him. I knew he hated me. That didn't stop me from trying. My friend returned the envelope with the ripped up card in side. Oh... did I cry? Not at all! I laughed and said, " he gave me a puzzle!" I continued to pursue him through sixth grade. Then he moved away and I moved on to my next crush.

I never had problems with guys. Granted I was just a child then. But, it didn't bother me to sickness when boys didn't like me. That was my life. I didn't date till college. No one would ask me out. But in college I found my sexy and men found me irresistible. For a little while at least. They just never thought of me for as someone to hang with beyond the first date. If they did it was because they either, A. thought of me as one of the guys, B. liked me because I was a good listener and they needed a therapist or, C. they discovered they were gay. 

It was very upsetting to recognize that I wasn't good enough to be someone's everything forever. So, I decided to be every man's everything for a bit. The more the merrier! 
I liked the idea of having more than one man. Jumping from one guy to the next. As soon as he started in with his hmming and haaaing... "next!" I ain't got time for it! Not that it didn't hurt to have that confusion of the "does he" or "doesn't he." But there was something empowering to be called a player as oppose to a slut. For men to warn other guys that I can't be trusted instead of saying I'm crazy as they said about most women. For guys to set out to tame me as women believed they can change men. I liked being unpredictable. The man never knowing if he'd do something wrong to lose me so he'd do what he could to impress me knowing the games that worked on all the others would never work on me. It's ashamed that even the careful couldn't keep me in his grasp.

But somewhere in there I lost my way. I no longer have that calm. I gained empathy. I worry too much about breaking hearts so I end up getting my own broken. I am absolutely afraid of any intimacy so I'll do whatever it takes to escape even if it means gashing a deep wound into my supposed caputure. My anxiety gets the best of me so I am that crazy woman men talk about except I don't stay in a relationship long enough for a man to really do me wrong. I do wrong to him just to establish who is in charge of the boundary line and then I dare him to cross it.
What happened to me? Horrible men are plenty, but I meet the one good man and I have no choice but to push him as far away as possible to protect him. I have to shun him and hide, watch him from afar, selfishly hoping he misses me but wanting him to find someone better.
I don't know what happened to the girl who once crushed hard on a boy and laughed when he ripped up the Valentine's card she put her heart into. Who later, after being ignored all her dating teenage years and was made to feel not good enough to bring home to mom in her college years, was raised up to be a player happily breaking the hearts of men who wasted her time playing games. What happened to that girl? What happened to her?